Assertiveness means encouraging others to be open and honest about their views, wishes and feelings, so that both parties act appropriately. Some people may struggle to behave assertively for a number of reasons, and find that they behave either aggressively or passively instead. For more about this, and about how to behave with such people, see our pages on Why People are not Assertive and Dealing with Non-Assertiveness.
Responding in a passive or non-assertive way tends to mean compliance with the wishes of others and can undermine individual rights and self-confidence. Many people adopt a passive response because they have a strong need to be liked by others. Such people do not regard themselves as equals because they place greater weight on the rights, wishes and feelings of others.
Being passive results in failure to communicate thoughts or feelings and results in people doing things they really do not want to do in the hope that they might please others. This also means that they allow others to take responsibility, to lead and make decisions for them. See our Personal Presentation and Self-Esteem pages for tips on how to increase your personal confidence. A classic passive response is offered by those who say 'yes' to requests when they actually want to say 'no'. The person responding passively really does not have the time, but their answer does not convey this message.
The second response is assertive as the person has considered the implications of the request in the light of the other tasks they have to do. If you become known as a person who cannot say no, you will be loaded up with tasks by your colleagues and managers, and you could even make yourself ill. When you respond passively, you present yourself in a less positive light or put yourself down in some way.
If you constantly belittle yourself in this way, you will come to feel inferior to others. While the underlying causes of passive behaviour are often poor self-confidence and self-esteem, in itself it can further reduce feelings of self-worth, creating a vicious circle.
By being aggressive towards someone else, their rights and self-esteem are undermined. Aggressive behaviour fails to consider the views or feelings of other individuals. Those behaving aggressively will rarely show praise or appreciation of others and an aggressive response tends to put others down.
Aggressive responses encourage the other person to respond in a non-assertive way, either aggressively or passively. See our page on Transactional Analysis for more about this. People who speak assertively send the message that they believe in themselves. They're not too timid and they're not too pushy.
They know that their feelings and ideas matter. They're confident. People who are assertive tend to make friends more easily. They communicate in a way that respects other people's needs as well as their own. They tend to be better at working out conflicts and disagreements. People who give respect get respect in return. Paula has a style that's too passive. If you ask Paula what movie she wants to see, she's most likely to say, "I don't know — what do you want to see?
It bothers her that her friends do most of the talking. But when Paula tries to break into the conversation, she speaks so softly that others talk over her without realizing. Janine has a style that's too aggressive. Janine has no trouble speaking her mind. But when she does, she comes across as loud and opinionated. Janine dominates the conversation, often interrupts, and rarely listens. If she disagrees with you, she lets you know — usually with sarcasm or a putdown.
She has a reputation for being bossy and insensitive. Ben has an assertive style. When you ask for Ben's opinion, he gives it honestly. If he disagrees with you, he'll say so — but in a way that doesn't put you down or make you feel wrong. Ben is interested in your opinion, too.
He listens to what you have to say. Even when Ben disagrees with you, you still feel he respects your point of view. People who act too passively often end up feeling taken advantage of. They may begin to feel hurt, angry, or resentful. When you hold back what you think and feel, others don't get to know or understand you as well as they could. The group doesn't benefit from your input or ideas. If you start to feel like your opinions or feelings don't count, it can lower your confidence and rob you of the chance to get recognition and positive feedback for your good ideas.
This can even lead to feeling depressed. People who come across as too aggressive can find it difficult to keep friends. They may dominate conversations or give their opinions too boldly and forcefully, leaving others feeling put off or disrespected.
People with an aggressive style may get other people to do things their way, but many times they end up being rejected or disliked. You may be less likely to be assertive to your boss at work than you would be to a colleague or co-worker who you considered to be at an equal or lower level than you in the organisation.
Many people learn to respond in a non-assertive way through experience or through modelling their behaviour on that of parents or other role models. Learnt behaviour can be difficult to unlearn and the help of a counsellor may be needed. See our page: What is Counselling? When people are stressed they often feel like they have little or no control over the events their lives.
People who are stressed or anxious can often resort to passive or aggressive behaviour when expressing their thoughts and feelings.
This is likely to increase the feelings of stress and potentially make others feel stressed or anxious as a result. See our section on: Stress and Stress Management for lots of further information on managing stress.
Some people believe they are either passive or aggressive by nature, in other words that they were born with certain traits and that there is little they can do to change their form of response. This is very nearly always an incorrect assumption since everybody can learn to be more assertive even if their natural tendencies are passive or aggressive.
To be assertive is to understand that everyone has basic human rights that should be respected and upheld. Responding passively can allow such rights to be neglected or ignored. In contrast, when behaving aggressively the rights of others can be abused. Rights that are considered 'personal rights' will vary from person to person and will differ from culture to culture.
It is often necessary to balance the needs of others against our own. Consideration needs to be given as to when it is appropriate to assert personal rights and when it is not.
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